I should not have been standing by my husband’s casket still feeling his strong and stifling hands around my neck. We live in a broken world where following our hearts lead us to rushed marriages and unfulfilled expectations. Inside communities where gossip tongues spread lies like wildfire, the smoke has choked me time and time again. Where my own thoughts and actions have left me in a mental torment, the only way out seemed to end my life.
Will choke again.
Funny thing about the the lungs is that a man’s lungs can hold more oxygen than a woman’s. Twice as much. Does this mean a woman’s breath, her voice, is half important? Many questions, few answers because honestly, some days it just doesn’t matter.
I’m at the beginning… the fringe of finding my voice. It’s been a year journey of the Lord saying over and over, “I’ll fight for you, be still.” As an Enneagram 8 (read stubborn, competitive, fights for justice), this is completely against my nature. The very fibers I was made with craves to talk, to be heard, to speak life into others. This vessel, these lungs, they’ve been worn down. In the words of P!nk, “I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth.”
”Mommy, did God make the world by speaking it?” Yes, baby He did… and that same voice still speaks Truth and Life into you.
As much as I know that. As sure as that’s my foundation… those stifling hands still choke me. I wake up in sweats barely able to breathe. I get into an argument with my husband and feel like my words don’t matter. I command my kids over and over to perform a certain way, but yet they still miss it! <<What is all of that? Why do I carry the weight of an insecure woman, widowed by suicide? Shame. Fear. Guilt. It’s time to choke back more than just tears.
I can’t say it enough sister, friend. The things you feel the most strong about are what you just need to take a deep breath and step into! I prayed continuously to be given my voice back. I’m all for the Lord fighting for me, and I knew these lungs of mine have been conditioned over time to speak out what He’s doing in my life.
Writing is safe. Speaking is scary, especially for someone that works things out through speaking outside of her head more than in. I’ve had an answer to prayer for a year, and as sure as the sun rises, it’s coming up.
Are you ready to choke fear? Would love to know how you fight!
”For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
”“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1b
”And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28