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Choking Fear


Choking Fear

I should not have been standing by my husband’s casket still feeling his strong and stifling hands around my neck. We live in a broken world where following our hearts lead us to rushed marriages and unfulfilled expectations. Inside communities where gossip tongues spread lies like wildfire, the smoke has choked me time and time again. Where my own thoughts and actions have left me in a mental torment, the only way out seemed to end my life.

Will choke again.

Funny thing about the the lungs is that a man’s lungs can hold more oxygen than a woman’s. Twice as much. Does this mean a woman’s breath, her voice, is half important? Many questions, few answers because honestly, some days it just doesn’t matter.

I’m at the beginning… the fringe of finding my voice. It’s been a year journey of the Lord saying over and over, “I’ll fight for you, be still.” As an Enneagram 8 (read stubborn, competitive, fights for justice), this is completely against my nature. The very fibers I was made with craves to talk, to be heard, to speak life into others. This vessel, these lungs, they’ve been worn down. In the words of P!nk, “I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth.”

”Mommy, did God make the world by speaking it?” Yes, baby He did… and that same voice still speaks Truth and Life into you.

As much as I know that. As sure as that’s my foundation… those stifling hands still choke me. I wake up in sweats barely able to breathe. I get into an argument with my husband and feel like my words don’t matter. I command my kids over and over to perform a certain way, but yet they still miss it! <<What is all of that? Why do I carry the weight of an insecure woman, widowed by suicide? Shame. Fear. Guilt. It’s time to choke back more than just tears.

I can’t say it enough sister, friend. The things you feel the most strong about are what you just need to take a deep breath and step into! I prayed continuously to be given my voice back. I’m all for the Lord fighting for me, and I knew these lungs of mine have been conditioned over time to speak out what He’s doing in my life.

Writing is safe. Speaking is scary, especially for someone that works things out through speaking outside of her head more than in. I’ve had an answer to prayer for a year, and as sure as the sun rises, it’s coming up.

Are you ready to choke fear? Would love to know how you fight!

Your Weapons:

”For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

”“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1b

”And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28


What You Have is Just Enough


What You Have is Just Enough

“No matter how many wrong choices we made past, we can always decide to make the right ones today. The past need not determine one moment of the future.” Wilda Culp from “The Story Keeper”.

Southern women and their sayings. Usually true as all get out, but not what you always expect to hear! The above quote is from a fictitious character in “The Story Keeper”. A must read book! {Part of my new year ambitions was to read more. Always up for book suggestions!}

I have to admit, I’m as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs to share some things with y’all. Looking back on some intense past failures in my marriage, as a mother, friend, business owner, and child of God was an inward look needed, but ripped off some old bandaids. Hanging there, all frayed and unforgotten, I decided not to go into 2019 with fears holding me back from what I knew was my purpose in life.

Today. We have today, right? If you woke up this morning with breath in your lungs, then you have purpose. Is it a great big long search of “finding yourself” to find that purpose? Nope. You have everything you need for today and the next right at your fingertips.

Jesus gave us a great illustration for this in John chapter 6. The disciples were faced with a hungry crowd of people. Jesus had compassion on them, because they looked like lost sheep without a shepherd. The disciples solution to feeding them? Send them away to a nearby town to buy their own food! Smart!

Immediately, reading this I thought of conferences where you split in between sessions to eat lunch with others. I personally hate this! It’s a rush to find out who’s going where, what friend group do you want to be with, what’s the cost of the restaurant, will we make it back in time or miss something driving too far away to get a bite to eat?! Ah, the stress of it all! I would much rather bring a humbly filled lunch box and chat in our seats about what we just heard.

I can imagine the disciples feeling of contentment when they found a solution! But what did Jesus say, "You give them something to eat.”

Ummm… Hold up, Jesus. That’s going to cost a lot of MONEY to feed all these people.

”How many loaves do you have? Go and see.”

<<What do you have? Start there.

Did you sense anything from my previous illustration of eating lunch out? Insecurity! Fear of being uncomfortable! I joked with a friend recently that I have hardly any physical insecurities. It is true, somewhat! When I’m in my element talking in front of people, laughing with friends, chatting with my sister, or playing with my kids I feel confident, purpose filled, and content.

But my husband would tell you differently! When I’m with the person who knows me most intimately, those insecurities bubble up. I sense every unshaven hair and past failure equally as deep. Perfection is strived for in my marriage, and it has stifled some of the most beautiful “could be” moments.

In the midst of it all, I continuously hear the Lord telling me He will do great things with our marriage and commitment to each other.

What I might have today is a committed marriage. It just doesn’t seem enough to show the world how good God is, because I have taken it for granted in years past. I know you can relate, sister friend. You’ve cried on my shoulder, confessed some deep mistakes and insecurities, told me you wanted out, mourned for the wife you wanted to be…

Let me give you this to eat, and I pray the Lord multiplies it in your heart, “He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.” <Ephesians 2:10

Mr. Guess

You don’t need to search out what your purpose is. You already have it! Today is your day. Jesus has already made a way for you to leave those wrong things in yesterday… Take Him up on his offer and walk out your new year in freedom!